Wednesday, October 5, 2011

The Ten Best Things My Mother Taught Me

My mother (happy birthday) gave me a lot of advice over the years. Most of it was immediately ignored, debunked or stowed away for a time when I could act in direct opposition to it. Here are the 10 best things she taught me. Almost all of it paraphrased and some of it isn't even taken from what she said but what she did (#5). And almost all of it is true. *

10. "It's more important to be valued for your intellect than your something that ugly girls will try to convince you is true. Don't fall for it. Stand up straight, get the Dorito crumbs out of your hair and put on some lipstick. Also, it's time for us to just accept that those things are never coming in and get you a padded bra."

9. "Don't tuck your thumb unless you want a broken thumb. Put your weight behind it and make sure you land it the first time. If they recover. Run. You're too small to win a fight. I don't understand why you're so short. What are you doing wrong?"

8. "Out there, people will tell you that you can achieve anything you set your mind to. That's total crap. If you practiced 24 hours a day every day for the rest of your life you still couldn't be an NBA star. I mean, look how short you are. Why are you so short? Anyway, figure out what you're good at. Then do that. Then let me know what it is because nothing's jumping out at me."

7. "Don't dress like a slut and then act shocked and offended when people think you're a slut."

6. "It's not that we don't love you. It's that you're not very likable. Not everyone is likable."

5. "When life gives you lemons, take life by the neck hair and jam one of those lemons into his piehole, knee him in the groin first and then the face and go get yourself a bag of oranges. Or those little clementines. I like those."

4. "A well-placed dart is the secret to getting a really good fit."

3. "You need to learn when to keep your mouth shut, Smarty Pants."

2. "You can't go into espionage, you Dummy. Look at you. You could never blend into a crowd. Don't even try."

1. "A stitch in nine saves time. What? It is. But that doesn't even make any sense. Whatever. It's a stupid saying either way."

*If you know my mother, please do not tell her that I wrote this. Thanks.

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